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GWAR

GWAR
Classic Rock

GWAR

Biography

The Beserker Blóthar:
Death chanter of def death chants for the deaf

Beefcake the Mighty:
4 brutal strings, moaner of moans

Pustulus Maximus:
Tormentor of the electric Guitar, screamer of screams and creamer of genes

BälSäc the Jaws ‘o Death:
Grizzly riddim guitar, whisperer of sweet nothings through a bear trap

JiZMak da Gusha:
The most merciless drummer, world wide beater of all meats

Bonesnapper:
Bodyguard, dancer, crappy singer

Sawborg Destructo:
Lame ass arch nemesis. Simply the worst.

Eons ago, an elite group of chaos warriors ravaged the galaxy with a boundless hatred of all living things. Their name was whispered in terror far and wide; the Scumdogs of the Universe. Now, they stride the Earth as living gods, dedicated to the destruction of the human race and the eradication of existence itself!

Armed with swords and electric guitars, their 30 year campaign has taken them to battlefields and concert halls in every corner of the globe. Today, their quest continues unabated, as they lay siege upon the Earth, crushing bodies and warping souls, in an unending quest to satiate their monstrous battle lust.

Hark now to the hideous majesty of your MASTERS, rulers of Earth, Scumdogs of the Universe, the MIGHTY GWAR, !!!

The legend tells us that once, GWAR were an elite fighting force in the army of the intergalactic Master of all creation. Due to their dangerous incompetence and willful arrogance, they were banished to the shithole planet Earth. Trapped in their terrestrial prison, GWAR were responsible for the creation of the human race, inspiring their filthy progeny to heap atrocities upon each other and pollute and ravage their own world with disease and war. Seeing that GWAR were having way too much fun in their exile, the Master entombed them in a cavern of ice in the barren waste of Antarctica, to sleep in its icy vastness.

Millions of years passed. As fate would have it, the hair-metal bands of the late 80’s, created a huge hole in the ozone layer with their overuse of hair spray, and the Scumdogs began to thaw. At that precise moment, music mogul and notorious underworld boss Sleazy P. Martini was on the run from the I.R.S., was shot down over Antarctica and sent crashing into the frozen tundra. Sleazy survived the crash, and found himself stumbling into the Ancient GWAR Temple! Stumbling inside, he discovered the ageless warriors stirring within their tombs. In short order, Sleazy recognized that a group of beings this outrageous and stupid would make a fortune as a rock and roll band. Seizing the moment, Sleazy introduced the groggy aliens to crack cocaine, brought them back to the U.S.A., gave them electric guitars. Thus, launching the career of the sickest band in heavy metal history—GWAR !

Since GWAR’s re-birth on planet Earth, events have come at a tumultuous pace. GWAR has witnessed, inspired, and is indeed directly responsible for many of the most destructive events in Earth’s recent past. It is no coincidence that since the second coming of GWAR, this world has slipped ever closer to the apocalypse it so woefully deserves. Indeed, if GWAR hadn’t had to expend so much energy battling their cosmic foes, they would have surely eaten the entire human race by now! GWAR has withstood the onslaughts of numerous enemies from Earth and from outer space. There is, of course, the members of the Destructo clan, a group of technology fueled lug nuts, dedicated to returning GWAR to their former glory as elite Scumdog warriors, along with other enemies such as Granbo and the Morality Squad, and the giant S&M pope-bot Cardinal Syn and his cronies. Frankly, when it comes to enemies of GWAR; it’s a long list!

Most recently, GWAR was dealt a series of catastrophic blows, when their guitarist Flattus Maximus returned to the stars, transforming himself into a supernova, and then again as the ignominious Oderus Urungus was snatched away to the very End of Time where his immortality was stolen by a villain of his own creation, the vainglorious Mr. Perfect, leaving the Scumdogs leaderless and alone. In their darkest hour, hope arrived in the form of two new Scumdogs, the guitar wielding Pustulus Maximus and the ancient Proto-Nordic war priest, the Berserker Blothar.

And so GWAR continues to ravage the planet, conducting their great “death-rallies”, luring the human hordes in with the music of metal, and then slaughtering them en masse. Leaving a wake of CD’s, DVD’s, and burnt-out, fucked-flat cities in infinite procession, tracking the continuing progress (?) of one of the most legendary bands in rock and roll history—the mighty GWAR!
 

 

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